Mom Guilt, the Right Way

Any Mom worth her salt. Knows the gripping tentacles of Mom guilt. There’s honestly almost no way to avoid its near strangling hold. Because when you care deeply. Want so much goodness for your Babes. And are always striving to be better and do better. Mom guilt sneakily creeps in. To convince you. That you’ve somehow fallen woefully short.

Moms, you know the drill. Lose your cool—guilt. Don’t spend enough time—guilt. Say the wrong thing—guilt. Put yourself first—guilt. Fill in the blank—guilt. And the worst part? It’s not a one and done thing, either. It builds. Layers. Creates a cumulative effect over time that can weigh you down. Even when you’re doing your very best.

And I’m no stranger to it. In spite of knowing that so much of it is self imposed. Unfortunately, it’s the universal language of Mom-ing. We love our Babes so wildly and relentlessly. That we desperately and furiously work against screwing things up. So we feel all the guilt. Even when it’s not warranted.

And as they age, the guilt is still real. Pile on top of that being a divorced parent. And it can be an extra heavy and disproportionate burden. Because, you know they’ve experienced pain. From decisions that had nothing to do with them. Through absolutely no fault of their own. And the thought of compounding any of it. Is more unbearable. Even when both they and you. Know you’re doing a pretty stand up job. At being a Mom.

Dating after divorce is even harder. Guilt inducing. Even solid and healthy relationships are tricky. Because when Babes are involved. You want to move on their time table. Taking cues from them. All while trying to balance your own wants and needs. Which are healthy and vital, too, by the way. Because building a life outside of them. That complements the one with them. Is part of the natural flow of life. Especially as they launch further and deeper into their own lives. In fact, I daresay it allows them to launch into their own futures. Without guilt. Oh, the irony.

And so I walk that tight rope. Putting them first always. And at the same time. Knowing that in order to for me to be healthy and whole for them. Choosing myself absolutely needs to be a priority, too.

And so I’m learning. That the “right kind of guilt”. Is not when those dicey, guilty feelings don’t swell up inside of me. Because that’s an impossibility.

Instead, it’s the delicate balance of knowing. That in choosing yourself. There will always be residual guilt. Because the instant you have your Babes. You inherently know. That your life is no longer your own. Thoughts of yourself become secondary. To making sure they have all of their needs met. And even some of their wants.

This weekend, I’ll be heading to the lake with Maaaattttt. Since fall, we’ve only had one night away. Even that was squeezed in with lots of consternation. And still—residual guilt. But, friends, I’m finally realizing. That I’m not choosing myself enough. A couple of longer date nights a month. And time squeezed in here and there in small snippets is wonderful. But it’s not always fair to me. And I like me. So I should be nicer to her.

Dear ones, there comes a point when you know. Really get it. See it with your very own tired eyes. That there is no actual good time to get away. And that in choosing to not get away. And that is a choice, friends. You’re showing your Babes that martyrdom. Is more important than mental health. That putting yourself last is (at least in some ways) a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And that a relationship with someone else. Is only okay. If it never interferes with their needs and wants. And that’s just not good for anyone. Not for me right now. Or for their future relationships. Or for their long term expectations of themselves as future spouses and parents (if they so choose).

So Mom guilt—done the “right way”. Is knowing when to say when. Realizing that the initial feeling of residual guilt. While natural. Isn’t necessarily the most important feeling to be felt. Or held onto. That sometimes pushing through the uncomfortable and temporary discomfort. Reveals that some guilt is just a mirage. Smoke and mirrors. And that with life experience and hard earned wisdom. I should be able to tell the difference. Without lingering guilt—which is the exact wrong kind. In situations like these.

So sometimes we need to remind ourselves. That showing Babes. How much you matter to YOU. Is as important as putting them first. In fact, it is putting them first. Because you are teaching them what self love looks like. So you (and they) can then go out into the world. And love others fully and well. From a filled cup.

And, dear ones, this is not meant to minimize consequences of legitimate, earned guilt. In those cases, warranted feelings of guilt send a clear message. That nudges us away from doing the things. That can inadvertently. Or purposefully cause harm to others in the future. And sitting in that kind of guilt. Reminds you to not behave that way ever again.

But mirage guilt…like taking a quick getaway just for me. Quickly fades. Dissipates. As it should. Into a clear knowing. That your love is seen and felt and known by the Babes you love most. Even when you choose yourself.